Need a holiday handknit? Time for a Schmatta!

Pimp My Cushion

Dear Kay,
Sorry sorry sorreeee for my absence. I know you’re wondering where I’ve wandered off to. What obscure backwater of that obscure backwater called middle Tennessee have I been haunting?
Leiper’s Fork. The far side of Leiper’s Fork, actually, right near where the Natchez Trace Parkway crosses Leiper’s Creek Road. I’ve been to see Danny.
It all had to do with the Big Dotty piano bench cushion, which is in the same limbo that most of my life is at the moment: done yet undone. I have had the knitted top part finished since, um, the first administration of George W. Bush. But I’ve had trouble pinning down Danny.
Who’s Danny? Danny is the upholsterer, the sole person who holds in his hands the fate of this long-shot projeck. Ah, Danny, who is rumored to have a way with the welting, Danny with whom I have had a running phone relationship that rivals my correspondence with you. We have discussed the challenges of turning knitting into upholstery (“Uh, it’s gonna stretch on me, you do know that”). We talked about the trials of making replacement cushions for anything (“It’s just real hard to get a decent fit”), and we talked about the forty-three reasons he couldn’t come to town to pick up this projeck.
So. I decided to make a day of it, the Delivery of the Makin’s. I down- then uploaded Ann Patchett’s Bel Canto, which I had purchased as a book when it came out but in my addled state never got past page four. The blogphone has taken on new life as an MP3 player, so now I can talk on the phone, surf the Web, read email, check my calendar, find a phone number, take pictures, and listen to the syrupy-voiced Anna Fields make Bel Canto sound like an opera. If my blogphone could toast an English muffin and buy me groceries, life would be complete.
I drove and I drove, and I ended up here:
leipersfork.jpg
As I came up the gravel driveway, the “Robinson’s Upholstery” van was a welcome sight amid the five pickup trucks, three of which had gun racks. Are these people training for the Leiper’s Fork Upholstery/Riflery biathalon?
Danny was a barrelly-looking, kawntry fella who could not have been nicer nor more focused on the challenges of knitted upholstery. It’ll either work or it won’t work, but it won’t be for lack of Danny trying.
I’ve been knitting and knitting, but absolutely nothin’ to show. Hey everybody–whatchew been knitting?
Love,
Ann
PS Now that Hubbo has installed Tivo in our Salon de Nuit, I have been watching drifts of television. I haven’t watched this much television since I was ten. I LOVE TV! I LOVE IT! Top events so far:
“Regency House Party,” yet another PBS reality program/social studies course, this one on life in 1815 England. Too goofy to describe. Much pointed holding of lady’s hand.
Biography episode about Led Zeppelin. We counted at least seven things directly parodied in Spinal Tap, not least of which was Jimmy Page playing his guitar with a violin bow.
An episode of MTV’s “Pimp My Ride” in which a 22 year old, Erin, has her 1987 Chevy Blazer pimped out by the guys to the point that it has a working fireplace in the way back. Would love to take that through the hookup line at school.

11 Comments

11 Comments

  1. finishing up ‘ordered’ christmas scarves for others, to be able to finish my dad’s afghan…

  2. You MUST TiVo the Amazing Race. You MUST.
    I love TV.

  3. Amazing Race. yep.
    I am impressed that you went to such lengths to find an upholsterer. I have a problem with the entire species. They run like heck when I wear through an arm chair, and I can’t seem to find one anywhere. I had one for two months about four years ago, great guy, fabulous work, not too pricey, but then he disappeared with my grandmother’s chaise lounge, and it took me over a year to get it back from him, stripped to the frame and about as comfortable as an Iron Maiden in Death Valley.
    Hold on to that guy!

  4. Dozens of tiny Xmas stockings as ornaments, done in yicky green acrylic and yicky white synthetic fuzz. Don’t worry, you’ll get one. Am also hot on the trail of the much-loved and locally made cashew brittle, which has not appeared in stores. But fear not, I have the phone number of the nice lady who makes it.

  5. At the beginning of November I identified four projects I wanted to complete by year end, one of which is a Purgatory Sweater I have been working on for my husband for about…3 years. Three of the four (cotton angora baby blanket and 2 pair of mittens) are finished. Purgatory Sweater, of course, is still in process, but there’s a whopping 28 days left in 2004 so I have not given up the dream.
    Meanwhile they are rewiring the condo, our furniture is all over the place, the children are sleeping in strange places around the house, and there is a LOT of yarn in the bathtub. (Put yarn in bathtub. Pull shower curtain. Presto! Yarn is “put away”!) Sure, everything is under control.
    Gotta get me some of that Tivo.

  6. I am glad I am not the only one in the over 25 set who watches, on occassion, Pimp My Ride. I think we should start something on knitting blog ring: Pimp My Stash!!

  7. A nice cardigan in Lambs Pride worsted for my always-chilly mom, which OF COURSE I have to to finish before Christmas . At least that’s what I tell myself every night when I go to sleep after 2 rows… a Koigu tie from IK that I bagged about 1/3 way through last night. (Even ripping that stuff out and rewinding it is fun.)… note to self: need new gift idea for the ubiquitous yet elusive men… a fun sharf/scawl laying in wait till after the holidays… note to self: don’t forget the holidays…

  8. Note to Ann, who confuses Colin Farrell and Will Ferrell: I keep confusing Colin Farrell and Colin Firth! Is this some kind of advanced personality test? Could the results tell us something? Hmmmm….

  9. And I keep confusing Colin Firth with the Firth of Forth. That’s a problem.
    Trying to work on Amelie from Vintage Knits. Keep being distracted by visions of myself with a pixie bob, fine features and perfect skin. Delirium and Kidsilk Haze do not mix.

  10. My kids watch Pimp My Ride and throw around the words ‘Pimp My Ride’ with glee. Means something different over here… :)

  11. No. I’m sorry. You have GOT to be joking. “Pimp my Ride” ???? – clearly a divided by a common language issue. As Anne says, means something entirely different over here :0)
    You’re not really going to let anybody sit on the piano stool are you ??