Need a holiday handknit? Time for a Schmatta!

Technical Foul: Delay of Sweater

Dear Kay,
I have alluded to a little boy Magpie jacket I’ve had lurking almost finished for a long time. Well, today is the day I had one of those wake-up-with-a-solution days. I fixed it the way good Southern girls do: with baling wire and some asphalt shingles.
The collar wouldn’t lay flat in the back. This pattern calls for the collar to be knitted separately then sewn on. I sewed it on so that the yucky side of the seam would be hidden under the collar, so that it would look all nice and tidy when the jacket was unbuttoned, as jackets often are. That sure didn’t work: the collar crept up an inch or so in the back, revealing in hideous glory the lumpy bumpy seam. So today I stitched the collar down in the back, about five inches or so, up under the edge a half inch so the edge still looks edgy. This is in violation of all regulations concerning Cheating And Rigging of Knitted Objects.
The collar creeps no more, but I realize now that I shall never pass any Knitting Guild Master Knitter’s program. Cheater cheater pumpkin eater.
pippin2.jpg
Here’s the whole of Pippin. This Magpie really is a dream: stuff knits up quickly, and it’s a really yarny yarn. You look up “yarn” in the dictionary and you see a picture of Magpie.
Anyway, it’s off to nephew Will in Burlington, Vermont, where there’s a foot and half of snow on the ground. How’s your snow?
Love,
Ann
PS Does anybody out there have the flu? I’m on the receiving end of it from wee David, and this may be the last you hear from me for a year or two. Send Nyquil!
PSS One last thought: in my delirium I have been flipping through Harper’s Bazaar. It’s like looking into the tiny window at Oz. Where is this place? Why so many hipbones? I was amazed to learn that now that forty has hit, I need to go ahead with the collagen injections for my hands, to avoid that bony look.

15 Comments

15 Comments

  1. 1. My, What Nice Cushions You Have!!
    2. Re: hands. There is an all-natural, no-injection solution to the dreaded Bony Hand Syndrome: Fatten up. Eat more Chee-tos, girl. (If that’s feasible; I realize your Chee-to regimen is already optimized by normal standards.) Also use lots of hand lotion. My mom has these sleek little plump hands that are just darling and not in the least ravaged by BHS. Over the years gallons of hand lotion have gone into this effort, but now that she is into her middle 60s she is reaping the rewards. She flaps them around in front of her bony-handed pals in a most unseemly manner. (Lis, back me up here.)
    3. I admire your solution to Pippin but I don’t quite understand what the fuss was all about.
    4. I’m sure I’ll have more thoughts on these matters later. Will keep you posted.
    xox Kay

  2. i need to say a few things about kay’s lotion slappin’ mom….she is a DOLL. did i say she was a doll?? and a beauty!! and sweet, and delicious in that uber mom sort of way. her skin is rosey and her cheeks are plump. her eyes even twinkle when she smiles. simply stated — i love her.
    now, what does this have to do with ann thinking about collagen injections for the hands. absolutely nothin’ (say it again!!). drink lots of water, do aerobics, and most importantly, believe in yourself. all of that is much better than collagen injections.
    love the yarny yarn. my former staff used to call me the “girly girl.” is that the same thing?
    sweater looks divine. as do your ornaments…although i did think that mrs. clause was mrs. martha stewart clause.

  3. My bony hands are the one (well, two, actually) thing I actually like about my middle-aging self. No one thinks I’m my age (my secret: grow hair stupidly long and dress inappropriately) until they look at my hands. Then they say, “Oh you really are 46!” Instant maturity cred.
    I love the miter on Pippin’s collar. Very tidy looking. Plus I’m pretty sure I’ve tacked down a collar, too. (I think it was Benjamin Cauley’s Aran ensemble.) Bottom line: it looks good and won’t affect function. End of story.

  4. Cheetos are a perfectly good answer to many things. Besides, let’s face it, as a knitter you are never going to have sleek hands; you are going to have graceful hands with clever fingers that deliver a strong handshake. Who knows what botox might do to your knitting ability? Horrors!Having researched botox in a medical (as opposed to vanity) application, I always find it somewhat amusing that the devotees skip blithely over the fact that the name comes from “BOTULISM” and “TOXIN.” Really, if someone said “may I now inject a strain of botulism toxin into your face/hands/wherever, so that it will paralyze your skin, what sane person would say yes? But maybe that’s just me.
    Plunge your hands into large quantities of Magpie, instead, and see if they don’t suddenly look lovely.

  5. I too have problems with botox for cosmetic purposes.To me this = insanity.Let the hands become bony,the hair grow grey & be proud od it all.
    Oliver will be having botox,as he has cerebral palsy,to avoid surgery on over tight ligaments.I still have my qualms about ‘on purpose’ poisoning,but it’s better than surgery.
    Oh yes,anit’s a beautiful jacket.If the solution works it’s good. :0)

  6. Hey, rigging is approved. I think it is in subsection Y of the international knitting code. Lis, Kay, any other lawyers, can you confirm?
    Crawl into bed, moan, drink Nyquil, and some motrin, and dream of yarn….feel better!

  7. Emma, my younger son has severe CP. We have gone for a couple of alternative therapies in lieu of botox (and definitely in lieu of surgery!), and they have really helped him. I think there’s also a progressive casting process that the children’s hospital here in Chicago has been using for milder CP cases that has had some promising results. E-mail me if you want to discuss “offline.”

  8. Ann
    Do hope you feel better soon – no idea what on earth Nyquil is, but hot water with lots of lemon & even more honey in it, with a couple of zinc & vit C tablets is another idea – if you’re feeling really ugh & can’t sleep add a good glug of brandy or whisky to the honey, lemon & water too. (Make sure you don’t have to drive anywhere afterwards though!)
    The magpie does look good – as for stitchiing the collar down – far better than it rolling skywards & revealing a seam, I say!
    Jo
    xxx

  9. Scotch, with hot water and enough honey/lemon to make you drink it.
    Or, if you have a Chinese mum. No Dairy! No Citrus! (makes you phlegmy) Drink lots of cranberry juice (dilute if you must).
    Sleep.

  10. I’m laughing at the idea that the treatment for what ails you depends on whether your mum is Chinese or not. (Not that it’s not true. Just that it’s funny.) My mom (she of the plump smooth cheeks and twinky Mrs. Claus eyes–and did I mention the clouds of Germaine Monteil Royal Secret perfume that precede her by several blocks when she is on her way over?) prescribes iced 7-Up by the vatful and hot lemonade, which is made with plain old white sugar and ReaLemon; it tastes fabulously puckery-sweet and is quite the tonic. Cuts through the stubbornest phlegm (unless of course your mom is Chinese; then it absolutely exacerbates any grievously phlegmy condition). Feel better!!!!!!!! I can’t think of a thing to blog about so hurry on up!!!!! xox Kay

  11. Love the jacket… and give me drugs, surgery, whatever! No problem with cosmetic enhancements… if it makes you feel better why not? Ditto on Angela’s comments, my Chinese mom and grandma don’t do dairy… and gallons on cranberry juice and tea. Can we send lemsip instead?

  12. Evelyn, Emma–Golly, I had no idea that botox could serve such a legitimate purpose. It makes the wrinkle-chasers seem all the more foolish.
    Thanks, everybody, for the tonics and medicaments. I look forward to trying them all–and I may find that boozing my way through a flu is the way to go. Nyquil, after all, is about 20 percent alcohol. Woohoo! For the uninitiated, Nyquil is a teal-colored cold syrup that reminds me of the liqueurs which my parents kept in the cabinet above the fridge. They were all at least 15 years old, dating from the days when people actually drank cordials. Creme de menthe. Kirsch. Vile!

  13. Ann, your comment about cordials reminded me of a blunder over Thanksgiving. We were in all these little ritzy stores with my aunt and I found these beautiful little glasses on little trays. My first comment was “what cool little shot glasses”. It wasn’t until a couple of weeks later that I saw those same glasses online and realized they were cordial glasses. I had never actually seen cordial served so I had no idea. :-) Dope up on that Nyquil and weather the storm. When I was little my parents gave me whiskey when I was sick, guess it’s all about the same. :-)

  14. Has no stated the obvious remedy?? CHICKEN SOUP!!!
    Ann…2 Nyquil liqui-caps (can’t tolerate that liquid nygoop, ick!!) a good stiff bowl of Jewish Penicillin, a shot of brandy for dessert and you’re good to go!! Can’t have half of my favorite blog team down for the count!
    Feel better Ann!!

  15. Now I’ve got it—the Christmas 2003 nasty flu-like bug!!! Packing for tomorrow’s flight to N. Nanookia now seems highly implausible. My strategy will be to choose likely-looking drawers, dump the contents into large rolling suitcases and hope for the best. They have Targets out there, after all, and Mom’s got a washing machine, so if the septic system doesn’t freeze up we’ll be o.k.
    My favorite moment of the pre-Christmas runup: Last night at a country party, after the assembled revelers had gathered ’round the piano and sung every carol from ‘Lo, How A Rose E’er Blooming’ to ‘In the Bleak Midwinter’ to ‘What Month Was Jesus Bo’n In?’ (an Odetta song, new to me), our hostess suggested, “let’s sing this one, for Kay’s Hubby!!” Whereupon a collection of the nicest, waspiest folk, many of whose forbears landed on the East End of Long Island in the 1650s and stayed put, belted out a very respectable version of “Shalom Cheverim”. I didn’t want to break it to them that the Hubby is not all that musical and probably thought it sounded a lot like ‘The First Noel’.
    Another fun cross-cultural moment was when a guest, with whom Hubby was surveying the ham- and shrimp-laden buffet, inquired, ‘Does Your Religion prevent you from eating that?’ Hubby replied that it had not prevented him from eating it on his first go-round, but that now his religion was suggesting he try the smoked salmon.
    You gotta love it! That’s the news from Mixed Marriage Central–Goodnight. Love, Kay