Bad Boy, Bad Boy
January 15, 2004
[WARNING: No Knitting Content; Minimal Crochet; Some Acrylic]
New York (AP)
Officials have confirmed that a rodent known as ‘Hammy’ escaped this evening from a minimum-security facility in Manhattan. Probationary agents, who reportedly were seeking to obtain Hammy’s cooperation in an investigation of what happens when a hamster is allowed free run of a Brio train set, lost sight of the furry felon when he ducked under a radiator cover. Senior officials who do not care if they are named, missy, have confirmed that their subordinates’ actions in removing Hammy from his usual place of confinement and transporting him across the apartment without authorization will result in severe disciplinary proceedings such as not reading a chapter of Little House on the Prairie tonight and maybe even tomorrow night.
A high-level administration official was called away from reading knitting blogs and talking on the telephone to personally oversee the stakeout of Hammy’s hideout. After a special operations unit removed the radiator cover, the crime scene was strewn with sunflower seeds, and agents settled in with flashlights and low-calorie beers for a long night.
Authorities credit the eventual capture of Hammy, who had eluded a cardboard roadblock set up outside the radiator and holed up in a nearby closet containing men’s shoes and neckties going back to the mid-80s, to information provided by this woman:
The informant, shown wearing a Noro beret and a purple acrylic poncho to protect her identity, provided the break agents were hoping for when she suggested that Hammy might be in the closet and it wouldn’t hurt to look.
Authorities deny that the poncho-wearing cooperator is in fact Bootsy Collins.