“I just want more of her.” A wonderful piece on the late lamented food writer, Laurie Colwin.

The Empress Club: Meeting the Needs of Discerning Women

Dear Kay,
After watching all the hooha this week up in your neck of the woods, I’ve figured out our next online venture:
The Empress Club: Meeting the Needs of Discerning Women
The Empress Club VIP is the most preferred international social introduction service for women accustomed to excellence. Introducing impressive gentlemen to discerning ladies of the world is our expertise. We specialize in introductions of:
Civil servants, education specialists, those who have 401(k)s, and gentlemen who have dental insurance. When seeking to have your needs met, our gentlemen are perfect.
Our meticulous standards of competence, sobriety, and punctuality ensure that you always encounter the quality you’ve dreamed of. With an Empress Club man, that dream can become reality. Each of our companions is a product of an exceptionally fine background. All rendezvous are individually crafted to suit the needs of your specific occasion. Note that each gentleman has place in his schedule for a select number of appointments per month, so your meeting will be a special one for both of you.
Meet Bart. [three hearts]
Fresh from a week-long lawn care seminar in Houston, the carefree Bart knows his way around a Weed Eater. He will mulch your beds, edge your driveway, and share the joy of fescue. He can program any irrigation system and will root-treat your flowering and ornamental trees.
Meet Buddy. [four hearts]
Having worked in garages from Goodlettsville to Pulaski, Buddy’s exquisite memory will ensure that your oil is changed at precisely 3,000 miles, that your tires remain at 27 psi–winter, spring, summer, and fall. He rotates tires, removes tree sap, and replaces wiper blades without compromise.
Meet Neil. [six hearts]
Quick-fingered and fast with a mouse, four-time online Scrabble champion Neil can hotwire wi-fi from any house on his street. Comfortable in either a Mac or PC environment, Neil has attended MacWorld six times and once shared an elevator with Steve Jobs’s personal assistant. Neil will back up your hard drive, scan for viruses, and uninstall outdated Microsoft programs. If requested, he will check your child’s algebra homework.
Meet Stuart. [seven hearts]
With extensive assistant-managerial experience at two major frozen food distributors, talented Stuart will feed your children exactly the way they are accustomed to dining. Nuggets of all kinds are a special interest of Stuart’s, as well as the toaster pastry and the category of frozen potato products.
If you’re a woman, and you have needs, remember: there’s only one Empress Club.
Love,
Ann

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44 Comments

44 Comments

  1. OMG! I’ll bet Bart is tanned to perfection too! Yum….
    I think Id like to go out with him first then out with Buddy for a “spin” (something about a little well placed lube job ya know? wink wink)
    Where do I sign up?

  2. OMG! I’ll bet Bart is tanned to perfection too! Yum….
    I think Id like to go out with him first then out with Buddy for a “spin” (something about a little well placed lube job ya know? wink wink)
    Where do I sign up?

  3. Hey Ann – I have a Neil and he can’t do any of those things – LOL!
    Sorry Kay we New Jerseyans still beat New Yorkers for the most jaw dropping scandal….McGreevey – need I say more?

  4. Finally, something in this situation to make me laugh and not want to kill someone.
    Thanks for that.

  5. Oh, Ann … talk dirty to me.

  6. I have a “Neil” too and he damn well better not be YOUR Neil, or somebody is going to be eating dog chow for supper for a long, long time.

  7. Can quick fingered Neil do my taxes, while I get into something more comfortable.
    Also Ann, I need a security guard to stand watch on the bathroom door. I would like a bath without little fingers under the door and whining Mommmmmmmmmmmm
    Ann you are a star!

  8. The important thing is that any of these men will leave *you* with more time for knitting.

  9. Dear Ann: I’m sure we can expect a hooha song from Merle soon…. no?

  10. That is so hilarious! I love it. If only real women ruled the world…..

  11. You forgot Esteban, who will teach you the tango but will never presume to attempt the horizontal mambo.

  12. Tee hee. Yes, if only “real” men could do something (besides being duplicitous) to actually contribute to the situation in the home. And the children they engendered.

  13. *I* am Neil. What we need is a cabana boy that understands hot, cold, and what cannot go in the dryer

  14. I just want a drudge who will wind yarn…got a Hank there somewhere?

  15. Send over Stuart–I need someone to watch the kid while I re-warp my loom. I would make the hubby do it, but the Navy said he has duty today. :P

  16. theme song
    when the saints go marching in
    romance writers have wrtten
    a lot of books on this subject
    they have to be tall steel grey eyes
    look like heaven in a tool belt and
    be an under the covers fbi angent

  17. Perfect situation: I’ll take one of each to take care of business while I go to Tahiti with Emilio in tow to be my personal sunblock applier, towel boy, and fruity drink deliverer.
    Oh, if we can dream, why not dream big! Heck, I’m wondering why I came home from work yesterday and the house had been picked up by teenagers. Must have been aliens in the house!

  18. ps kay
    i am the dishrag with the
    the raised breast cancer bow
    every one looking good

  19. You Know. You Know what women want and need! Word!
    p.s. can I have a date with each of them? My husband won’t mind. He’ll probably pay them for me!

  20. Loving it, Ann!

  21. After posting on my blog this morning about my husband, I hopped over to your blog and read this.
    Please don’t tell him if there’s a job opening.
    http://bellathenasblog.blogspot.com/

  22. Of course this is a fantasy. Aren’t all Microsoft programs outdated?

  23. Good GRIEF! Why is it that I can count on one hand the politicians that I actually have ANY respect for??? Quite honestly, I’m impressed that the guys wife can be in the same room with him and not strangle him! LOL! I sure would!

  24. Oh Lordie, you ladies are funny.

  25. Do any of these men clean litter boxes?

  26. Sign me up!!

  27. I would turn over my retirement nest egg to that club!!

  28. Oooooh, baby!
    The great thing is that you can schedule time with each of these men as your various needs and desires arise.

  29. An overheard quote on this subject in today’s paper: “Of course I’d be standing right by him. Well, his bloody body, and asking, ‘how do you reload this thing?’” Ah well… meanwhile we have these options so helpful outlined for us by MDK.

  30. I know this should not be a shock to me since I know you live in Nashville (I love that city!), but I got totally excited at the throwaway mention of my hometown. “It’s Pulaski! On a blog! See, I’m not making it up!”

  31. There’s money in this. Seriously.

  32. Um…… how much?

  33. 4, 6, 7 hearts, no matter as long as those hearts are beating (got to have heart, you know…).
    Ann, honey, thanks for the intros. Hopefully there’s even one there for Mrs. S., as it doesn’t seem as if her hubby has much of a heart (or a backbone either, I might add).
    LoveDiane

  34. Hmmm. The Mason-Dixon Empress Club. Sounds good to me, cept, what about disposal of da spouses?

  35. SO funny! And, Carol, no disposal of spouses. Of course, they will stand by and watch, while your Empress Club man meets all those ‘extraneous’ needs! Why would they complain?

  36. You forgot to include The Perfect Man. That would be the gorgeous, intelligent, cultured one who sweeps you off your feet, whisks you off to a five-star restaurant, wines and dines you and makes you laugh, takes you back to his incredible penthouse, makes mad passionate love to you for hours, and then, at 4 in the morning, rolls over and turns into a pepperoni pizza.

  37. Yes, I notice that the price plan has been left off. I suppose “if you have to ask, you can’t afford it”?

  38. OK, I’m sending this to all the wall street guys on my list. I have been inundated with jokes and images (many very amusing) but none quite from the woman’s perspective…thanks for that…and I agree with a previous comment – what about cleaning litter boxes?

  39. Surely that’s MY Neil?! x x x

  40. Outstanding piece of satire – B

  41. I am bummed that the prices are not posted- pretty sure I can’t afford it either. :(

  42. Wait, where’s the field where I enter my credit card information??
    Actually, my husband is a cross between Neil and Stuart. Lucky me!

  43. My husband protests:
    I am most distressed to learn that the value of laundry and dishwashing is underappreciated, if at all appreciated. It takes a delicate but discerning touch to wash dishes so as not to leave streaks, not to mention the proper placement of clothes into the wash and the subsequent dryer. Bra separation is a must and only the most eligible and enlightened of men know how to negotiate this tangled web of cotton, fleece, polyster, wool and the occasionally wayward knitting needle.
     
    I am indeed that man. I rate eight hearts.

  44. Ah, but at 27 psi your tires are woefully underinflated. The tires will not last as long, you are at greater risk of catastrophic tire failure, and your fuel economy will be in the toilet. Thus ends my psa for higher psi. Seriously.