Aw look! One pattern, 364 versions of the MDK New Ancestral Christmas Stocking.

Undelivered Handknit

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Dear everyone,
Thank you all for checking in, wondering where we have been these past couple of weeks.
Kay has blasted off on a mission to the land of Liberty prints, pet rabbits named Iman, and much-needed fun. I am so dead jealous that I surf hotel listings in London. Kay, I am there with you on your travels. (You can see what Kay’s seeing in her Twitter feed down in the right-hand column below.)
As for me, I’ve been on a mission to absolutely nothing.
I’m just going to say it: this has been an awful week. An awful month, actually. I mean: I’ve never bought a one-way ticket to Florida before, and I’ve never been involved in an intervention before. I am here to tell you that there are few things in the world more upsetting than having someone you love look you in the eye and choose the bad path.
This has been brewing for a while now, and it came to a head over the weekend, and it didn’t work. I mean, it didn’t work at all. We weren’t starry eyed about the likelihood of success, but we did feel like we had to try to connect. I won’t go into the details, though honestly I don’t even think this person would care if I put every single detail of it up here on the Internet. But it doesn’t really matter. It was predictable in almost every way–if you’ve ever seen the reality show Intervention (which I haven’t, but people keep mentioning it to me), this one was apparently like that.
We are all heartbroken. It’s the worst thing ever. I’m glad we went, but I am sorry as hell that it didn’t work.
I took her a scarf I made, but I didn’t get to give it to her.
I wonder what she’s doing right now. Actually, I know what she’s doing, and that’s what makes it so hard.
Love,
Ann

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191 Comments

191 Comments

  1. Love and support to you! Give your self credit for caring and trying, xoxo

  2. She knows you care. Nothing will change that. Hang in there.

  3. I’ve read your blog for a while now, but never have commented… felt compelled to today. I’m so sorry for what you are going through, and for the choices your loved one is making. Just remember the big knitting and internet community is here for you if you need to vent, or cry, or just to be silent, we’ll understand.
    Wish you all the best…

  4. Oh, Ann, I am so sorry that the intervention did not work. Best wishes to you and your loved ones.

  5. Oh, Ann, I am so sorry that the intervention did not work. Best wishes to you and your loved ones.

  6. So very sorry.

  7. My deepest sympathy on your loss. I hope some day your loved one sees the light.

  8. I’m so sorry you are having to experience this. Know that we all love you and are thinking about you — and that the pain dulls over time, even if the good path never gets chosen.

  9. Wow, that is hard. My brother is headed down a path of harder-than-it-should-have-to-be work and stupid problems based on reallllly stupid decisions. It’s soo hard to watch someone you love toss everything awesome in their lives over the side and sail on into crazy. I hope it’s a short trip and she comes back to her senses soon. I also hope that y’all can manage to keep your chins up in the face of that.

  10. sigh… I know what it’s like to watch someone ruin her life. I have an aunt that lost custody of her two children because she chose alcohol and drugs over them. Both were born addicted.
    I don’t want to make little of your loved one’s problem and how it is affecting you and your family. But I can say with 100% certainty that I turned out the way I did (which is, wholesome and on the verge of prudish I guess) because I lived my life making sure that I didn’t turn out like her. I was young and impressionable when we watched it happening to my aunt and I can, in a weird twisted way, thank her for screwing up so that I can be a better person.
    I just told my 9 year old nephew the same thing. He has a cousin who has been in jail/juvi a few times and is not even out of high school yet. My nephew said his cousin is a bad role model for him. I agreed but added, “doesn’t that make him a positive role model in what NOT to do?”
    I wish you all the best!

  11. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I hope that in time, things with your loved one turn around.

  12. Ouch. I hope things get better for both you and your loved one. It is hard to watch, but it is also hard to live through on the inside. I’ve seen it too many times (though even once is too many).

  13. Ouch. I hope things get better for both you and your loved one. It is hard to watch, but it is also hard to live through on the inside. I’ve seen it too many times (though even once is too many).

  14. Oh my dear!
    I have walked that path in my family (with my husband) and he and I both know that intervention planted the seed, the tangible proof that the bottom had been reached.
    Even though he and I are no longer together, that knowledge & proof helped him finally make a change in his life, to come back to the living. Know in your heart that you loved in the very best and strongest way, even if you have to say good-bye.
    thoughts with you

  15. so sorry to hear that. Good to know that you went, you tried. Sad to hear it didn’t work.
    Hang in there, and knit on through to the other side, for yourself, if not her.

  16. I agree – give yourself credit for trying and be good to yourself, whether that means garter stitch or something else – I myself found episodes of Star Trek Voyager very soothing when a friend was dying of cancer because everything turns out all right in the end every time on that show. XOXOXO

  17. Perseverance is key, as once seems hardly ever enough to save the one who is so ill. There is a wall between her or him and the world; no one can guess what will breach that wall or when.
    The breaches do happen, though, and healing can occur — do have hope, look for grace, and remain resolute. Pain is not measurable, hers, yours, anyone’s; just let it go.
    Hugs to you and yours.

  18. I am so very sorry. Sending you so much support and good thoughts. You are magnificent for having gone, even if you don’t feel that way.

  19. I am so very sorry. Sending you so much support and good thoughts. You are magnificent for having gone, even if you don’t feel that way.

  20. How painful for all of you. Sending hugs and a quote I like.
    “It’s the action, not the fruit of the action, that’s important. You have to do the right thing. It may not be in your power, may not be in your time, that there will be any fruit. But that doesn’t mean you stop doing the right thing. You may never know what results come from your action. But if you do nothing, there will be no result.”
    Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (1869-1948)

  21. blargh! It is terrible to watch someone take the hard path.

  22. Ann, my thoughts are with you. I’ve been there.

  23. No matter what, you know you tried.
    Be well.

  24. I’m so sorry things didn’t work out.
    Unfortunately, I’ve been a part of a few of these. However much energy and destructive behavior your loved one spends on not caring and not realizing right now – she can’t unhear the truth you all spoke. She can’t unknow that truth isn’t optional anymore, that she is loved and that her family and friends are sad, worried, in pain and determined not to enable her (anymore?). Sometimes this has a delayed effect. I’m not going to tell you always or in most cases, but sometimes.
    I hope that you and the other people involved to be good to yourselves, each other, seek comfort and, if you can and want to, keep a space in your hearts for this person to which she could return.

  25. I wish I had a perfect family and could give you a set of magical instructions to fix everything – but I can’t. The best I can do is send you a virtual hug and many prayers and the hope that all may yet be well, someday, somehow, somewhere.

  26. Nothing to say except that I know that feeling, and I’m sorry.

  27. Your column provided distraction and amusement for me in some really tough times. I’m so thankful and wish I could return the favor. You and your loved one are in my thoughts.

  28. I am so sorry. Sometimes, all you can do is what you know you should do, even if it doesn’t help (or doesn’t seem to help at the moment). That probably seems like small comfort right now, because it was a result rather than an effort that you were trying to achieve. But the result is really out of your hands, and the effort is essential. Take care.

  29. Oh this is breaking my heart for you all. Hoping for you that your hard work in attempting to intervene will have laid the groundwork for change in the future.

  30. I’m so sorry to hear how awful this week has been for you. Thank you for trying though–but please remember, you did all you could, and the rest is on her. You cannot be responsible for another person’s actions, only your own.
    That said, take a few weeks off. Knit something beautiful. Sleep and heal yourself. We’ll wait, we promise.

  31. Ann, unfortunately, I’ve been there, too. You did the best that you could. Now, you just have to detach with love, as they say. Much easier for “them” and me to say than to do. Absolutely much easier.
    It was so kind, loving, and generous of you to do what you did. Now she knows you (and your family, it sounds like) are there for her if she decides to take another path. You never know if/when something will turn around. It does happen sometimes.
    Hugs to you.
    P.S. I’d send her the scarf, if you’re up for it.

  32. The good news is, for every intervention that doesn’t work, there is one that does…you just never know which way it’ll flip. A recovering alcoholic myself (25 years sober) I’ve watched people come and go and I know no good effort goes to waste. Your love and honesty will be in the back of her mind and, when she is ready, she’ll reach out. At least, that is my prayer.
    We love you, and your blog, and your book. Thank you for sharing your life with us.

  33. Oh, I am sorry for your troubles. I hope that things work out and pray that you will persevere even if they don’t.

  34. Sorry to hear; what a tough situation. There is something similar brewing in my circle. Know that it was important that you did what you did. Depending on how you view it, it could be that her purpose for being here is quite different from what looks like “the right way to go” by the rest of us.
    You can only do what you think is right for yourself, in helping her or not.
    “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well” -Julian of Norwich
    Try harder to do nothing!

  35. Ann, that breaks my heart. That is one trial I haven’t had to live through or with like so many who commented before me. But I am cursed with an optimistic soul, so repeat after me, “it didn’t work YET.” She heard you all, obviously didn’t like it, but she did hear you. Hang onto that scarf, you might get to hand it over one of these days.

  36. Ann, that breaks my heart. That is one trial I haven’t had to live through or with like so many who commented before me. But I am cursed with an optimistic soul, so repeat after me, “it didn’t work YET.” She heard you all, obviously didn’t like it, but she did hear you. Hang onto that scarf, you might get to hand it over one of these days.

  37. I’m sorry, Ann. Holler if you need someone to talk to.

  38. Also – would a funny/horrifying/but funny big cat video help: http://youtu.be/6fbahS7VSFs

  39. I’m so sorry. I know how that is and the pain of the slow heart break you are forced to experience. I’ve lost parental units (not by death but to substance abuse) and the love of my life. It still hurts but it hurts less and I see more of the bigger picture now which helps. You do what you can. That is all that is possible. Hang in there and take care of yourself. It impacts you more than you may even realize.

  40. Love always makes a difference.

  41. Love always makes a difference.

  42. Ann – I’m so sorry you are facing this. My father ignored efforts by the family for years, so I have a pretty good idea of the disappointment, frustration and anger that goes along with this type of thing. You’re a good person for making the effort and I’m wishing you the very best and a lighter heart.

  43. So sorry to hear of your trouble. Congratulations for doing something, even if it doesn’t feel like enough. Knit something soft! We’ll be here when you are ready to come back.

  44. I am so sorry. It is so hard when you are trying to help someone who is not ready to accept it.

  45. }}}}}}}}HUGS{{{{{{{
    You (and other family members, I presume) tried your best, and made it clear that you are completely willing to support them in their recovery, if they chose to do so. You can’t do any more, except be there to pick up the pieces if and when they see the light. God Bless you.

  46. As you can see, the boat you’re in is pretty crowded. I have learned (repeatedly) that no amount of love can fix someone else’s life. You gave your best effort. Now you will have to wait until she’s ready to give hers.

  47. I am so sorry. Watching a loved one self destruct is not easy. But you tried and now she really knows that her family cares. Hopefully someday that will sink in and make a difference. My prayers to you.

  48. May it comfort you to know that many people who have never met you in person are holding you and your family in their consciousnesses with wishes for your peace of mind and heart. We value you. We will be keeping the good thought for you and yours.

  49. I was a little concerned when you pronounced it the worst month ever, then verified the date it was only the 3rd of the month. So, all I can do is send love and prayers to you and those you care about. This to shall pass, but never soon enough.

  50. I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles, Ann. I am thinking of you and of everyone involved.

  51. Sending you a hug. I add my sentiments to the others that I am so sorry for what you are going through and that things didn’t turn out as hoped. But you will never regret trying.

  52. I also have been in your shoes. You did all you could do. If you are a person who prays, that’s the only other thing you can do. Grieve, if you need to, and know that others send positive energy to you.

  53. You do the best you can and say the hard things…you never know if/when it will be heard. But you do what you have to do. Then you take care of yourself and be healthy and float on top knowing you did the only thing you could. Been there, being there now again (different loved ones, different situations) …. prayers for you.

  54. Your loved one heard, but chose not to listen (yet). It’s heartbreaking, and hopefully there’s a future good outcome. I had to learn that stepping away was the right thing, as much as I wanted to control the situation & outcome. You’re a caring & compassionate person for going there in the first place. Thinking of you.

  55. Praying for your peace of mind and her change of heart/mind/spirit.

  56. When going through this with my first husband, I was comforted by the thought that this may have been his first life as a human and he hadn’t quite gotten the hang of it; that his future lives might be better once he had worked his way through this one. I suppose it helped me realize that I couldn’t control his choices. Peace be with y’all.

  57. We did an intervention with my mom that was a failure, and I despaired of ever reaching her, and of her ever being well. BUT, 9 months later, she ended up in detox, and was sober until she died. I am still so proud of her.
    I hope your loved one will be in recovery some day (soon).

  58. It is so, so hard to see someone damaging themselves, their life, and the people they care about. *hugs*

  59. so sorry for your heartbreak. may she find her way back.

  60. So very sorry.

  61. So sorry, Ann. I really missed you two, but I could see by the tweets you weren’t dead. Was really hoping it was something fun keeping you busy. Never give up.

  62. Hang in!! It is so difficult to learn the lesson that I am not responsible for someone else’s bad behvior. You showed love and caring. Sometimes that is all you can do. You have done the right thing and while that may not bring much comfort right now sometime’s that is all there is. Keeping you in my prayers –

  63. so so sorry that this is where you have been. I was hoping you were just busy with kids and lacrosse and spring stuff.
    Life is awfully hard sometimes
    prayers to you and your family….

  64. Dear Ann,
    You did what you have the power to do. Only the person who needs help has the power to stop his/her behavior.
    And, I don’t really look at interventions as dichotomous. You don’t know what seeds may have been planted within the one you care about as a result of the intervention.
    I hope that you can be at peace.
    margieinmaryland

  65. I’m so sorry, Ann. Sadly, I sort of know how that feels. Sort of. I don’t know… we won a little and lost a little… I’m not sure how success is measured. Anyway, in our case, the matter was finally settled in another way… not without another whole set of heartbreak piled on top of all the others. Love to you.

  66. Oh, I am so sorry. I thank you for sharing this, and wish you the best love and healing there is.
    I thank others for sharing their experiences as well. What love, compassion and wisdom!

  67. Ann, I’m holding you and your loved one in the light. I hope she finds her way back to her human-ness, and that you have the strength and patience to let it happen as it happens from here. It’s so sad when someone loses her way so completely, and to love that person is heartbreaking.

  68. If I were with you now I would be offering tea and a hug.

  69. Oh, dear Ann. Life is a huge and complicated thing. So sorry you sound like you are up against it. Humbling, isn’t it? Thank you for sharing (in a way!) this lesson. Best, K

  70. One of those things I never thought I would have been to and done. Over time you have an impact but the person has to make the change. “Knit on with confidence and hope, through all crises.”

  71. I am so sorry….please know that a bunch of friends you have never met are with you.

  72. I’m thinking of you and hoping for the best possible outcome. Please remember to take care of yourself during this difficult time.

  73. Dear Friend Ann,
    Like the others, I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. Pain for our loved ones goes bone deep.
    I will pray for you, and even offer one for your loved one. This is in all sincerity and not tongue in cheek at all:
    I will pray that you do not feel guilt for someone else’s bad choice, even though you are a Southern Woman and society has tried to subtly teach us to do that since we were girls.
    I will pray that your loved one gets off their can and sees that love around them makes it worth choosing sanity over idiocy. (Just prayed that…God knows all about love. And no matter how smart someone may be, we’re ALL capable of being stupid sometimes.)
    And, finally I pray that right now, with your next breath, that you feel calm, peace, and a heart full of the eternal optimism we see in your posts, in your books, and in your friendship with Kay that you offer to us to enjoy vicariously.
    May you find joy everyday!
    Your Hwy 100 friend,

  74. I am so very sorry. We tried the same with my Mom. It never worked. She loved alcohol more than us. It was very sad. Hardest part is not blaming yourself. In the end, it is entirely up to the individual.

  75. Ann Patchett’s book Truth and Beauty describes her friendship with a brave, but self-destructive writer. I found it very enlightening and helpful. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

  76. I’ve been reading you and Kay for a few years and have never commented. I always enjoy your lively, friendly banter–and the adventures you both go on. I’m so sorry to hear this about your loved one. Just know you have great support here in the knitting community. Prayers for healing going to you and yours.

  77. So sorry for your misery. Please know that so many people are thinking of you.

  78. I am so very sorry. I’ve also watched bad choices close up and it is beyond painful. Keeping you in my thoughts.Humans are capable of amazing change.

  79. I am so sorry to hear your pain. One thing is true and that is every tomorrow is a new day that offers up a chance for a clean start. Keep the faith that one time she might grasp it.

  80. That just sucks. I hate it when things just really suck. Hang in there.

  81. ((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

  82. It matters that you tried. The failure is hers, not yours. It is so hard to step away when you have done all you can, but it is necessary to protect yourself and the others you love. God go with you.

  83. Just wanted to drop a note that I’m thinking of you. My family is still on the roller coaster ride of recovery with my youngest brother, and it just knocks my breath out of me at times.

  84. My son took the hard path and I’ve not seen or heard from him in 4 years. I send cards and I know he’s still alive because the support checks are taken from his pay for his son. I pray every day but it is so very hard. I share your sorrow.

  85. I’m sorry Ann. I hope next week is better.

  86. As others have said, you don’t really know if you failed or not – and in fact, success and failure are slippery terms here. You gave her new information about how people who care about her see her, and about how much those people are willing to turn their lives inside out because they care. Maybe some day she will use this information to move in the direction you were hoping for, maybe not, but regardless, you have given her a gift, even though it may not be one she is not able to acknowledge.

  87. I’m so sorry. It’s particularly hard to lose someone when it seems like they should still be there. Wishing you and yours all the best!

  88. Have walked a mile, or 500, in your shoes. All my shoes are worn out. Heartbreaking, confusing, and sad as hell. But not hopeless, and we all know that you are not the hopeless sort (ref: snowflake sleeves).
    She has the scarf you made for her. May it keep her warm and remind her of your love and support. XO

  89. Ann, I’m so sorry. But at least you tried.

  90. How awesome is it that _you_ love _her_ that much?!!! Perhaps that knowledge will help her in some way…
    Drug and alcohol addiction is mighty powerful, but maybe, just maybe, this is her beginning – it doesn’t always work on the first try, hugs for you and your family.

  91. One of life’s hardest lessons is that you cannot love someone well, no matter how hard you try. So sorry that you had to learn it.

  92. I’ve been the rebellious one, nearly ruined my life but God caught me as I was falling, and He helped me become the kind of person my parents were. And now at least two of my five are making horrendous choices (one of them in particular), but I’m not losing faith as I learn how it feels on the other side of the seesaw. Thank you for sharing your pain with us: what a lovely, sacred gift. Sending up a prayer for you and yours, as well as me and mine.

  93. Ann, sounds like you’ve been fighting the good fight. Blessings to you, many many blessings.
    Ann, all you can do is put it (how you feel) out there. Their reaction is their reaction. You don’t really know what the ultimate outcome of all of your efforts will be. Whatever the outcome, I am sure, quite sure, that your presence was very much appreciated (on some level), even if that is not evident to you at this time.
    Love,
    Diane

  94. Sending you love. Sending her love.

  95. Oh gosh, what a terrible time. I’ve been imagining you spinning in impatient joy, awaiting publication day, and am so sorry that the spinning is so joyless instead.
    But you did it, for her and for you. And maybe she’ll start to hear. My dear lovely brother succeeded, on his own timeline.
    All best to you.

  96. There really isn’t a good way to handle situations where you love someone, and know that they are going the wrong way, but you can’t get them to see it. They have a disease that will require making a choice for the cure to work. Take good care of your self and the loved ones who do reach back. Do good things for yourself, because you tried. In this case trying is the best you can do. Take care of yourself and appreciate the effort you put out. Virtual Hug, Big Hug, Love to you and prayers for all.

  97. Ann, I’m so sorry the intervention didn’t work and I’m sorry you feel so . . . awful . . . about it. I’ve tried helping and talking sense with a relative who insisted on taking the low road and it’s painful to watch. She declined to the very bottom and ended up in jail for 8 months. It’s the only thing that saved her life, but there are many, many consequences to low-road behavior. Good luck to you and your person-in-need. Never give up.

  98. Ann, thanks for your courage writing this post and your greater courage working to turn your loved one to the light. Though you didn’t get to deliver it, I can see the end of that scarf just within her reach to grab hold of and pull herself around. xoc

  99. Dear Ann~
    So very sorry. Sending good thoughts to you and your loved one

  100. My heart is just aching for you, and yours. My heart is just aching for you, and yours. <3

  101. I am so sorry you and yours are having to go through this with your loved one. I want to thank you for being honest and putting this out there on the blog. When I was going through something similar (with a relative) a few years ago I felt like I was the only person in the world going through this. Your posting and the comments could make a huge difference to someone. You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers.

  102. Ann, I am so sorry for this difficult experience. You have tried, and you hold her in your heart. My hope is that you have planted a seed for change.

  103. I’m sorry for your pain and helplessness, it is a terrible thing to watch loved ones suffer by their own choices. Thanks for sharing your sorrow, we’ll all help you carry the load.

  104. Prayers going up from St. Louis – take care!

  105. Prayers going up from St. Louis – take care!

  106. That empty beach photo breaks my heart. Thinking of you and yours.

  107. Most of us have had a similar experience with someone close to us having an addiction. It really is a “family” disease, hurting all loved ones. We just do the best we can, then we have to walk away. Thinking of you & hope you are taking good care of yourself!

  108. My prayers are with you. You gave it your all. Now they have to do the same. There is only one thing you can do…..pray. love, bb

  109. My prayers are with you. You gave it your all. Now they have to do the same. There is only one thing you can do…..pray. love, bb

  110. You can never know whether you action will have been the thing that finally has an effect. All you can do is the right thing. I hope everything comes out for the best.

  111. It didn’t work in YOUR timeframe. Doesn’t mean things won’t change at a later date as a result of what was done. God has a plan and a timeline for all of us. You are not your loved one’s higher power – she has her own and it’s not you or anyone else. In the 12-step world, the saying is, “Let go and Let God”. You’ve done your part, be comforted that you did all you could. The outcome is never in our hands.

  112. I am so very sorry.

  113. I know how you feel. I have a sister who’s doing something probably similar. Of maybe she isn’t now, I don’t really know, she’s been on and off so many times. Isn’t that odd, she lives downstairs from me, in the same house, and I don’t know even know what is going on with her. Remember, as I have, that it can always be worse, always. I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but there was one time where she was so hard up, that she stole her dead grandfather’s wedding band. And I could go into more detail, but I won’t, I don’t want to, and I’m sure you don’t want me to.
    I’m going to give you the advice that an older and wiser friend gave to me. This is the exact same advice, word for word, and I hope it’s as helpful to you as it was to me, “Write your books, knit your sweaters, and be happy when and where you can.”

  114. Ann, I am so sorry! Sending you/yours healing energy…MNR

  115. Ann, was wondering when reading the book how close you are to all of this. Nothing is harder than watching someone you love self destruct. That said, never give up hope (even if you don’t have the strength to go through this again with her). Hopefully eventually the message will sink in.
    Thinking of you all.

  116. Ann, was wondering when reading the book how close you are to all of this. Nothing is harder than watching someone you love self destruct. That said, never give up hope (even if you don’t have the strength to go through this again with her). Hopefully eventually the message will sink in.
    Thinking of you all.

  117. You had to try and had to take that chance. Trying to offer help and a lifeline to someone that deep down in their addiction who is just not ready (and may never be ready) is the most heartbreaking and gut wrenching feeling.
    But the process let’s you go on and gives you and other loved ones closure. I wish you peace of mind and heart. Which may not be there right now, but hang in there…it’s coming.

  118. Go crash Kay’s trip. You deserve it. Go do something the exact opposite of what you’ve just been through. Spend time with a terrific friend, a favorite relative, go dig in the garden and plant your favorite flowers. I’ve been there, several times, there isn’t anything more you can do than pray. Do pray. I’ll send mine with yours.

  119. I’m so sorry for your pain. Please remember that you are not responsible for other people’s decisions, it’s their choice to make even when it’s the wrong one. You have to accept that you did all you could and go back to living your life. There may come a time when they reach out – or not.

  120. I’m so sorry, Ann.
    I’ve come to believe that all a person can do on behalf of another person is to make a true, heartfelt effort. And whatever the effect on another person, both the effort and the result are “heartfelt.”
    I’m sorry your heart is hurting right now. I hope you feel comforted soon.

  121. Peace be with you.

  122. So sorry that you’re heartbroken. Just remember that you did all you could, and that there are many who care about and support you.

  123. I pray that knowing you did all you could will be of comfort to you. As a former addictions counselor, and the mother of an addict, I can only say I do know what you are experiencing–and it is hell.

  124. Sending you a prayer and a hug. I know how hard this can be. I’m so sorry for your pain and worry.

  125. Oh my god, Ann! I am so, so sorry for your troubles. Even when you fail, you are a hero.

  126. Sorry to hear that things have been crappy & that the intervention didn’t work out (yet). I hpoe May gets better for you.

  127. I don’t know if you have other children or this is the only one. If you have other children, please acknowledge them, ask them how they are doing and feeling. Express your feelings of frustration, and how proud you are of them, how much you love them, treasure them and hug them.
    My sisters went down a very bad path which has impacted their adult lives. My mom never did an interventions, never said no, never responded to the other two children and we were left to raise ourselves and to some extent, raise a mother. She did attend some counseling and support groups for parents in a similar situation. But the two children who didn’t go down the path of destruction were forgotten emotionally, physically to some extent, and psychologically.
    there is always second guessing, but with time it starts to diminish. If you came from a good place within your heart, nothing more can be done on your end. Just give time and space.
    Good luck

  128. Been there done that with my father who was an alcoholic…heartbreaking.

  129. So sorry to hear of your troubles. Hoping the best for you all.

  130. So sorry to hear of your troubles. Hoping the best for you all.

  131. So sorry to hear this, but you know you did all you could. As you can tell from the comments, many of us have been in similar circumstances and our hearts go out to you. Take care.

  132. Oh Ann, I’m so sorry about this. We have a family member in need of an intervention, too. I’m really sorry it wasn’t successful and that your person chose the wrong path. But you’ve done what you can do and no one can make another person do what they don’t want to do. It’s especially sad when you see someone self-destruct before your very eyes. And chose to keep on doing it. My heart goes out to you and yours.

  133. Listen – as an intervention “failure” in my mid 20’s, and now a semi-successful (sober) mom, wife, and small business owner in my (ahem) 40’s – I just want to tell you to hang in there. Really. Things can get better even after the worst has hit the fan. Just know that she KNOWS you care – and trust me, she thinks about it, and that could (did in my case) make all the difference in the world.
    Good luck, and be at peace.

  134. What a wrenching experience. Remember, you don’t know whether it will in the long run have any effect or not — maybe a seed has been planted that will grow as time passes. Praying and pulling for you.

  135. What a wrenching experience. Remember, you don’t know whether it will in the long run have any effect or not — maybe a seed has been planted that will grow as time passes. Praying and pulling for you.

  136. if your loved one has not gone into the blue blue waters never to return there is hope

  137. I have read your blog for a very long time but have never commented. But I feel that when times are tough it’s nice to know someone out there is there to support you in whatever way possible. I’m sorry to hear your time had been so bad. The reason interventions are necessary is a terrible thing to which sometimes we have no control and that I know is what makes it do difficult. I’m sure your family member is aware how much you love them. Pray that they will be safe and that soon they will accept the need for help. Your knitting community is here for you, to vent, to cry or just to sometimes remain silent. Hoping for better days for you.

  138. Hugs.

  139. Hugs.

  140. I’ve been where you are now more than once, and I know how sad and painful this situation is. I’m sending healing thoughts and hugs your way.

  141. I’ve been there before too. Sometimes all you can do is pray that they will be protected and that they do no harm to others.

  142. Love and prayers for this dear person. God is God of the impossible and He loves the prodigals.

  143. Love and prayers for this dear person. God is God of the impossible and He loves the prodigals.

  144. Ann: So sorry to hear this sad news. As someone who has been there, done that, I agree it completely sucks. Sending you a hug.

  145. So sorry to hear you are going through a rough time – I agree with Elizabeth about God being the God of the impossible. Life has given us some very hard times and getting through them is tough, but coming out on the other side is life altering. Our situation ended well – with God’s help. Praying for the same thing to happen with yours. Sending you hugs and prayers.

  146. Ann, I’m delurking (for now) to add my condolences. Unfortunately, if this person isn’t ready to be helped, you can’t help her.
    At least you tried. No one could ask more. All you can do now is stand by and be ready for when this person is ready to be helped. Pray and hope for the best, but be prepared in case the worst happens.
    Hang in there sweetie. Schedule at least a half-day’s downtime at your favorite museum, day spa, zoo or wildlife refuge, etc., to recharge your batteries.

  147. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this pain. Hope your loved one comes around to take the better path. I’m rooting for you and for her. love to you.

  148. Oh, Ann, I am so very sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through. Hang in there.

  149. Oh Ann, I’m so sorry. We did something similar about 3 1/2 years ago and had similar results. I too have never seen Intervention and don’t want to. These things are so hard and you put your soul into them. Blessings for you as you grieve.

  150. I’m so sorry. There are no words for the kind of sadness that this is. In 1981, before “interventions” even had that formal name, a teenage boy we knew well continued down his personal slippery slope despite every effort to get him to turn around. In 2008 I learned that in 2006 he had started to turn his life around. TWENTY-FIVE YEARS. And he’s not where he could be. But he has made big strides. So all may not be lost. But it may take a long, long time.

  151. I’m so sorry. There are no words for the kind of sadness that this is. In 1981, before “interventions” even had that formal name, a teenage boy we knew well continued down his personal slippery slope despite every effort to get him to turn around. In 2008 I learned that in 2006 he had started to turn his life around. TWENTY-FIVE YEARS. And he’s not where he could be. But he has made big strides. So all may not be lost. But it may take a long, long time.

  152. I’m a lurker here, but had to delurk to say I can only imagine the pain for all involved, and it is so sad what drugs and alcohol can do to a family. I have no words of wisdom-just wanted to add to the love being sent your way.

  153. Bless you, dear. You do what you can, and you love them, but you don’t get to make their decisions, and sometimes that sucks.

  154. I felt your pain while I read this. I’ve been where you’ve been. It seems like right now it didn’t work, but somewhere in the back of an addicted person’s mind – they heard you. They know that people cared enough to tell them the hard things that needed to be said. And she knows she is loved, in spite of her bad choices. When she is ready to try to make a change, these things will matter then.

  155. I’m so sorry, Ann. I pray for peace for your loved one.

  156. Well, Liberty and Iman are waiting for you, too. No need to surf hotel listings. Iman says that Kay’s shoes are STRANGE, by the way. I think this might be rabbit for ‘they smell a bit’. Lots of love to you from all of us here. B x x x

  157. Change is a long slow journey for some people, some do choose to take the most difficult path. It hurts to watch them when we know they could make different choices. but you have told her that you love her and will be there when she decides to change. Some prodigals really need to live in the pigpen. Praying that she wakes up to reality and wants to go home.

  158. Prayers with you all.

  159. I’m so sorry, Ann. You sound heartbroken. I agree with Kay – she can’t unhear what you said. Perhaps a small seed has been planted and your message will bear fruit one day.

  160. Ann, your post is heartbreaking. Know you tried your best, and your love and efforts have not been wasted. Know you have a community of people here and elsewhere holding you and your family in their hearts now.

  161. Hi Ann,
    I am so sorry to hear you have a loved one suffering from this disease. I have quite a few in my family so believe me when I say, I know how sad and distressing it is. I will tell you what I hear a lot in my Al-Anon meetings and open AA meetings: Lots and lots of recovering addicts say that they did not start to recover until they were completely cut off from their families.
    There is still hope even if it doesn’t seem like it right now.
    I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers and feel free to email me if you ever need someone to “talk” or vent to.

  162. Oh, Miss Ann. Thinking of you. Not much else to say. Will think of your relative as well. Best hopes for all.

  163. Dear Ann,
    There is no way to know the long-term impact of your words and actions. But to me, courage is being willing to try and to be there for someone in the face of what may be daunting odds.

  164. I’m am so sorry for what you, your familiy, and this particular family member are going through. I’ve had to deal with a loved one battling addiction, and there’s only so much you can do. The person has to want help; and sometimes, even when they finally decide they want help, and they try to recover, they still lose the battle. My heart goes out to you. Please know that you tried, that you did what you could. {{Hugs}}

  165. Been there and done that. Al-Anon has provided a peace that makes up for the heartbreak of failed interventions.

  166. I know that heartbreak and the roller coaster ride with hope and sadness and grief and hope again. Hugs for you and for the person you care for. It is all up to them and it has nothing to do with what you did or didn’t–but you know that.

  167. Peace to you and yours. And a quote posted by a very wise 12 y.o. on a CaringBridge site for a college friend of mine whom we lost 2 years ago–
    “It will be all right in the end. And if it’s not all right, it’s not the end yet.”

  168. I am so sorry Ann!

  169. Dear Ann,
    I have never been part of an intervention, but I have known folks on whom they didn’t “work” who never forgot what their loved ones did for them when they were at their worst.
    It hasn’t worked yet. I’m so sorry. I’ll keep hoping, even if you can’t any more. Take care of you.
    A long-time lurker,
    CJ

  170. Wish there was something to say to make everything OK. I can report that sometimes, even when an intervention doesn’t seem to work, there can still be a happy ending. My loved one is now 8 years sober and turns 53 today.

  171. I hope you can come to grips with how your efforts were all you could do and now she’s got to make the choice to change her path. I’ve been living a similar life for the last seven years with my yongest daughter. Heart breaking, nerve frazzling, faith testing, you know what I’m saying. I thank you for sharing your life with us who follow your blog. Feeling connected, knowing many other people like yourself try to do all they can helps us all feel a bit stronger, a bit comforted, and hopefully far less alone…thank God we have this community!

  172. The photo tells the story of someone there, but they’re not. All you can see is the shadow they left behind.

  173. Ann,
    I read your blog faithfully, but haven’t commented. I have walked in your shoes and I do know how terrible it is to see someone you love and care about making those destructive choices. Even if the intervention didn’t work, you loved her enought to try and I know how hard that was. Even if it’s not likely, maybe something else will turn it around for her. I hope so. Hugs and prayers

  174. Ann,
    I’m so sorry that you and your loved ones are going through this.

  175. Ann, jus because it didn’t work this time does not mean there is no hope. I have been involved in 1 successful and one unsuccessful intervention. Both people are on the road to recovery now. One sober for 9 years (successful) one for 5 years (unsuccessful). The loved one who did not respond to the intervention continued on an awful path for 10+ years before finding their own way to sobriety. The other was simply more ready to hear what we had to say. I will keep thinking of you and your loved one and hope that her path ends in the better place, maybe just a mor winding road to get there

  176. I’m so sorry! I can think of nothing more heart-wrenching.

  177. Ann, that is so hard! Mail the scarf, it will make you feel better, and make the recipient better too, even if she seemed unwilling/uncaring. Much love, Ben

  178. Dear Ann, so sorry. That is awful.
    Nothing else to say.
    -hugs-

  179. Dear Ann, I have written a couple of replies, but was afraid to send. This time I will hit the Post button. Are you not amazed at the number of replies? Drug addiction was discovered in my family just over 2 years ago. Like everyone, I am sorry you have to go through this pain. But I am moved by all the hopeful comments above. I belong to a prayer shawl group. I agree with those who said to mail the scarf. A handknitted gift knit especially with that person in mind is so special. It will bring her comfort. It will a tangible reminder of the love expressed to her at the intervention. Somehow, the good thoughts and prayers you had while knitting the scarf will travel with the scarf. Thanks to you and Kay for sharing your lives on this blog. Suzzanne

  180. I am so sorry. *hugs*

  181. I am so sorry. I hope it works out, somehow. I hope… well, it’s hard to know what to hope for.
    Maybe just hope.
    **hugs**

  182. As the mother of an young woman who has been an addict for most of her life, I can empathize and sympathize, for that matter. Me wanting her to stopped was never successful in my case, but 10 months ago, she did stop using. I am proud…and cautious (I’ve been here before)… My best advice is to take care of yourself so, if and when success happens, you will be there. I know how hard it is.

  183. As the mother of an young woman who has been an addict for most of her life, I can empathize and sympathize, for that matter. Me wanting her to stopped was never successful in my case, but 10 months ago, she did stop using. I am proud…and cautious (I’ve been here before)… My best advice is to take care of yourself so, if and when success happens, you will be there. I know how hard it is.

  184. I’m comment #184. A hug to you !!!I Agree with Suzzane. Mail the scarf! It stands for your love..

  185. Ann, I’m so sorry to hear this. I don’t have any experience in this area, thankfully, but I can imagine how difficult it’s been for your family.

  186. As a daughter and a sister of alcoholics, my heart goes out to you. My brother began his slope at age 12 and only broke out of it three years ago at age 25–after his first wife left and took his kids, he lost his license, was at risk of losing his job…My dad still does not believe he has a problem, although he’s been to rehab, lost his wife and kids, and his health is terrible. But people cannot be changed except for by their own will. However, I know all the comments made at the intervention do act as seeds when the soil becomes fertile, if ever. One thought is how lovely the Serenity Prayer is, even for those of us suffering from addiction in this way. Courage and Wisdom you’ve shown already. I wish you Serenity too.

  187. Ann:
    So sorry. I have a family member, addicted to drugs and living on the streets now. She walked away from 3 young kids. She has been beaten and abused because of the choices she willingly makes. It is heart renching. She has been able to survive short periods of time under family roofs in “house arrest”, totally supervised. But those ended predictably, with her stealing and getting drugs and the family member being crushed, believing their love and support would somehow fix the problem or give the stability that she could heal herself. I cannot understand how she can walk away from her children. It has been 3 years now. I think about her less which is the only way I can hurt less. I also know there is nothing I can do that would not just enable her. She can easily die from drugs, abuse or even malnutrition. A very sad thing to accept and live with. But I would not take her into my house, and even sader truth.

  188. Thanks for the giveaway! This looks like a great book to have!

  189. Ann: I have read your blog for years and never felt a need to comment, as so many others have written. I too am a member of a family that needs/is in recovery. Knitting helps me cope, but Al-Anon saved my sanity. A good Al-Anon meeting can ease an aching heart like none other. Please consider. (I knit all through all my meetings; no-one minds).

  190. I’m so sorry to hear that an intervention didn’t work. It’s such a rough and helpless feeling.

  191. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your loved one. It is hard when you reach out to help someone and they reject the offer…as you see them sinking.
    However that person has to acknowledge the problem before they can tackle it. A helping hand only works if the person grasps it.
    Take care of yourself and other family impacted by those choices. Love each other.