We’re Here. We’re Gluten-Free. Get Used to It.
August 31, 2004
What a fine piece of planning for you to be out of town during all the hootenanny. I know you must be crushed to miss out on all the fun protesting going on in New York. I would have written sooner but I’ve been too busy trying to figure out what I want to protest. The good news is that I think I’ve found it:
I’ve formed a nonprofit organization called Citizens for a Wheat-Free-Gluten-Free-Dairy-Free-Cholesterol-Free-Sodium-Free-Brown-Rice-Loaf-Free Country.
Julia Child is spinning in her grave at the idea of this stuff. Julia Child could not apply enough butter in the world to make this taste like bread. Julia Child would say that if you are on a wheat-free, gluten-free diet, eat rice. Whatever contorted act of chemistry resulted in this loaf should not be encouraged.
I want to point out some features of this Brown Rice Loaf:
1. An expiration date of 5/12/05. No bread product should have a shelf life of nine months unless it is included in a bomb shelter provision box.
2. The inclusion of a packet labeled “Oxygen Absorber” which resembles those silica packets they put in with your camera so it doesn’t get moldy or something.
3. A sour smell kind of like . . . old bad bread.
4. A pasty mouth feel that stays with you long after you take a bite.
5. It’s *New and Improved*. And yes, it is kosher.
Hubbo brought this home. It goes right on the shelf beside his other experiments: the chocolate-free brownies, the Nova episode about string theory, and the Burt Bacharach songbook.
PS My favorite protest poster so far is one with a picture of a smiling Bush with the legend “Darm Fine Leader.”