7:08 Eastern time: Well, well, welcome everybody! So you guys will know, tonight I’m wearing a fabulous pair of vintage jeans (vintage mid 2007) (vintage Gap, reminiscent of the momjeans look so popular back in um 2007), along with a T shirt in a shade that we’ll go ahead and aubergine because that’s superclassylike.
I’m over at E! Entertainment right now watching people on the red carpet try not to act like they’ve spent the last eight hours fixing themselves up, as if they just happened on their John Galliano gown.
Heidi Klum’s rockin’ a straight red dress and what looks to be the entire inventory of the jewelry counter at Target. Heidi’s hubby Seal looks his usual fabulously cool self. Just shared that she’s been “sitting on one butt cheek” for over an hour in order to keep her red dress in order. “What a cheek it was,” Seal comments.
Taraji Henson, nominated for Benjamin Button, is showing us the tattoo of her departed father on her ankle? I missed what exactly was going on down there, but it had to do with her dad, and it’s symbolic.
Michael Shannon, supporting actor nominee for Revolutionary Road. BIG head on that guy–ought to win just on skull circumference alone.
7:15–Mickey Rourke has red hair tonight. Just wanted to throw that out there if you’re keeping track.
Sarah Jessica Parker. Commentator says, “That is a DRESS. Rockin’ a Miley Cyrus vibe.” Ouchie.
Josh Brolin is looking more and more like Glen Campbell every day.
7:19 I could have sworn the guy just said Amy Adams was nominated for her role in “Gout.”
OK the Robert Pattinson guy from Twilight is so pale! Is he really a vampire or something?
7:23: Sarah Jessica Parker is totally correcting her husband on the color of his clothes. “MIDNIGHT BLUE,” she practically screeched. “NOT black!”
7:27: Switching over to the Barbara Walters special. Anne Hathaway is trying to persuade us that she does “terrible debauched things.” SHYEAH! Her must-have goals for the next ten years: children, being in love, traveling all of Asia. In that order?
7:31: Backa to E! Beyonce is working the Vanderbilt colors tonight! Black n gold! Go Commodores!
Mickey Rourke admits that he’s wearing Jean-Paul Gaultier. He is talking about his dear departed poochie. I am actually moved!
7:39: Thanks for letting us know what YOU’re wearing tonight, Judith. Anybody else out there wearing Land’s End? I LOVE Land’s End! Superclassy!
Robert Downey, Jr, looking like a total movie star. So great.
7:44: Mickey Rourke says after $68,000 of therapy that most of his demons are gone. I am LOVIN this guy, even though his movie totally grossed me out. Says if he won the Oscar, “You can’t eat it, you can’t ____ it, and it won’t get you into heaven.” Gracious! Cover your ears, statuette!
7:45: Back to E! Phillip Seymour Hoffman is wearing a watch cap that looks pretty much like a swimming cap! Fella! That’s so wacky!
BREAKING NEWS: Kate Winslet is wearing a very soft shade of . . . AUBERGINE! JUST LIKE ME! I KNEW IT! I JUST KNEW IT!
OK now the guy is saying it’s gray. I’m going to have to research this. I’m not persuaded it’s not AUBERGINE.
7:56: Hugh Jackman on Barbara Walters, getting choked up talking about his dad coming to see him sing at Carnegie Hall. BBBBBBOOOOOOHOOOOO. She’s got him semi-weeping. Now he’s threatening to give us a little more “show” and a little less “biz” for his hosting gig. Ruh roh . . . that top hat I saw online yesterday may not be ironic after all . . .
YIKES! He’s giving her a lap dance! I cannot watch!
8:01: Over at ABC for good, Tim Gunn is Mister Klassee. I love that guy.
And yes, now that I’ve seen Miley Cyrus’s dress, Sarah Jessica Parker has a lot to think about.
BREAKING NEWS: Yoplait ad features knitting!!!!!
8:10 Hi. It’s Kay. Believe it or not, I thought the Oscars were tomorrow night. Isn’t it always on Mondays? Have I missed something? Feeling embarrassed. I have to CATCH UP NOW.
8:11 Have to give an AMEN, SISTAH to the Tim Gunn comment. I’m sure that if he ran into me RIGHT NOW, he’d say, “So, Kay, you are really working that Black Pants & Gray T-Shirt Look. It’s a CLASSIC. Who did your pants?”
8:13 Can I tell you where I just came from? We saw a 3:00 matinee of South Pacific. Joseph and I sat together, Hubby and Carrie sat a few rows away, and Most Moisturized Mom had her own single seat in the 3rd Row, which she thought was Pretty Sweet. It’s a fabulous show. But what I want to tell you is that sitting next to Joseph was Mrs. Bob Costas, and sitting next to her was Mr. Bob Costas. I may have told you that I think Joseph could be The Next Bob Costas. Despite this, I exercised my usual New Yorker restraint and did not say One Single Word to the Costas. Mrs. Costas and I grinned over the top of Joseph’s head at a couple of moments in the play. Like you do. I have declared them Very Nice People.
8:22: (Ann) [OK here’s my favorite South Pacific-related knock knock joke:
Sam and Janet.
Sam and Janet who?
Sam and Janet eeeevening . . .
8:26: Vintage Balmain on Penelope Cruz. Isn’t she just the handsomest big-eyed ol’ movie star?
8:31: OK somebody’s talking about the Piazza del Campidoglio or something for the stage set? Are these people crayzee?
No matter how many Swarovsky crystals they use, it’s not going to look this great. Just saying.
Am I the only one who has low expectations for Hugh Jackman? I have never gotten the appeal of Hugh Jackman. His kind of sexy is a very fake sexy. My opinion. Go ahead and disagree.
OMG! The Craigs List Dancers! LOL!
See what I mean?
8:44: (Ann) Aw c’mon, he’s Australian. That’s cool.
8:47: Tilda Swinton looks like The Movie Star Of The Future.
8:52: Penelope Cruz and her SMOKIN’ vintage Balmain take the Supporting Actress Oscar! Mazel tov, P! “Art is our universal language.” Not Esperanto? All those lessons for nothing?
BREAKING NEWS: Two lines of Ralph Fiennes in In Bruges!
8:59: Tiny Fey/Steve Martin. LOVE (1,000)
9:00 (Kay) Quoting Charlotte Bronte! Yay!
9:09 (Kay) Best Animated Short, aka Best Animated Short Movie Nobody Saw. Sad! I’m sure they’re awesome!
9:10 (Kay) Speaking of MOVIES. Every Saturday night on our local PBS station, Channel 13, there is something called Reel 13. A classic, a short, and an indie movie, which are then all 3 repeated. Last night it was A Thousand Clowns, which I had never seen or even heard of. Amazing!
9:16: (Ann) Gwyneth Paltrow in an American Express ad . . . she’s no TINY FEY in an American Express ad.
9:13 (Kay) Hey. No slamming on Gwyneth. She’s the best looking blonde since Grace Kelly. As good-looking blondes, we have to show her R.E.S.P.E.C.T. And during the commercials, can we have a moment of silence for Good Looking Blonde Icon:
(Kay) Eva Marie Saint? Thanks, Eva, I had been wondering what to wear to my daughter’s bat mitzvah next January. I am NOT being sarcastic. You rock, Eva!
8:22: (Ann) Kind of crushed over here that The Duchess, one of the world’s terrible movies, didn’t take Art Direction Oscar. I mean, that was its only hope. And I say this knowing full well that Ralph Fiennes was in this movie.
8:25: (Ann) DUCHESS for COSTUMES! Forgot it was nominated! With a special high five for wigs! Have a peek at ’em during the next commercial.
8:30: (Ann) Tell me that guy is not a vampire.
8:40 (Ann) Cinematographer’s wife’s hairdo looks like a delicious ice cream cone.
8:44: (Ann) Jessica Biel talkin’ kinescopes! Methinks we’re heading into the Bermuda Triangle portion of the show . . .
8:49: (Ann) Spoke too soon–James Franco/Seth Rogen so funny. And yes, I saw Pineapple Express.
9:47 The Pig didn’t take the Oscar for Best Short Live Action! Crushed! Who are these German poseurs?
9:48 Ann, I keep trying to ask: WHATCHU KNIT ‘N?
9:58: (Ann) BEYONCEEEEEEEEEEE! Knitting a sleeve.
9:59 (Kay) OK, I generally like to be positive about things but that medley was awful. Baz! Baz! What’s up? OK, I know it must have been tough to include High School Musical. You should have said no to that. (Sorry to be crabby. I love a big musical number.) Back to my shawl. I am at Ruffle Stage One. Grim.
10:02 (Kay) Still wondering about those random “Maria! I just met a girl named Maria!” bits.
10:07: (Ann) Christopher Walken! YIKES! Don’t hurt me! And Kevin Kline, what a doll, that one.
10:09: (Ann) These round-robin complimentfests sound like it’s Nominee Bar Mitzvah night. “Josh Brolin, you’re turning into a very fine young man.”
10:10 (Kay) And I just want to say this: Josh Brolin cannot help how much he reminds me of Burt Reynolds circa 1976. I am not going to hold it against him.
10:14: (Ann) I’m seeing Glen Campbell, but there’s some Burt in there, true that.
10:18: (Ann) Feel like I just watched all those documentaries. Boofreakinhoo!
10:21: (Ann) Balancing his Oscar on his chin! Give that guy a medal!
10:21 (Kay) I resolve to Netflix ALL THE DOCUMENTARIES ESPECIALLY THE SHORT ONES.
10:21 (Kay) It’s a little late to mention this but Ben Stiller CRACKED ME UP with his Joaquin imitation.
10:33: (Ann) Pins n needles time: the sound editing Oscar . . . you know I have my favorite . . . and the winner is . . . THE DARK KNIGHT????? Wall-E was ROBBED!
10:41: (Ann) Whoopsy, kind of slid off into a fugue state during the technical Oscars. Lemme guess: Slumdog won the Oscar for best use of a car battery . . .
10:43: (Ann) Okay, y’all, this is where we have to DIG DEEP. The upcoming Jerry Lewis retrospective is going to be tough, but I know we can all do it. Remember: he is a national treasure in France. He is the patron saint of talking through your nose. Knit if you must, but don’t turn off the teevee. We’ve got to make it to Best Actress. Must . . . keep . . . viewing . . .
10:49: OK so he’s getting his award for raising $2 billion for Myscular Dystrophy. He really is a national treasure, nutty professor or not!
10:56: (Ann) Holy cow, I didn’t realize they were going to play the entire score of every single film. How many violins can we possibly take?
11:10: (Kay) I have given up Diet Coke. But I REALLY NEED A DIET COKE RIGHT NOW. Waltz With Bashir should have won Best Foreign Film, but I do want to see this Japanese movie about working in a funeral home. Sounds….fun!
11:17: (Ann) I’m sorry. I wanted to watch the Foreign Film part but was too busy doing Bollywood dancing in order to alleviate the BEDSORES that are setting in. Queen Latifah is a tonic, though, I have to tell you. I always like her.
11:23: (Ann) Reese Witherspoon is not representing for her Nashville hometown with that blue eyeshadow, just sayin. Though if anybody could wear blue eyeshadow, it’d be Reese Witherspoon.
And Slumdog director Danny Boyle is looking more like Rudolph Giuliani every minute . . . AND did you hear that on-air erratum he just gave–leaving out a choreographer from the credits? Classy!
11:35: (Ann) OK Kate Winslet is already weepy and she hasn’t even won yet. I don’t know how these actresses are sitting through these wedding rehearsal dinner toasts without boohooing.
11:35 (Kay) Kate wins! And her dress is GRAY! Grey for our UK and Canadian readers!
11:39: (Kay) “How did he do it? How for so many years did Sean Penn get all those roles playing straight men?”
11:30: (Kay) Ann, how do you feel about these “group hug” things for the acting awards? It’s kind of awkward, no? I’m betting this is gone next year.
11:46: (Ann) Spotty. Nicole v. Angelina was a total frost-off. Shirley MacLaine to Anne Hathaway: incredibly sweet.
BREAKING NEWS: first surprise of the night: Sean Penn over Mickey Rourke!
“You commie homo-loving sons of guns . . . ” hilarious. “I know how hard it is to appreciate me.” He’s so nervous. Awww!
10:58: (Ann) Best Picture . . . Rudolph Giuliani takes to the stage! The little kids are supercute.
11:58: (Kay) Good night Ann! Been fun! I got a whole row of my ruffle done!
12:00: (Ann) And . . . we’re . . . DONE . . . clocking in at a cool 3 hours and 30 minutes? I’ll get an official time from someplace official . . . HIGH FIVE, everybody! We’re all part of the elite few who managed to sit through the whole thing! I’m off to the Vanity Fair party now. I mean: the Vanity Fair party, uh, website.
Ann n Kay