After watching all the hooha this week up in your neck of the woods, I’ve figured out our next online venture:
The Empress Club: Meeting the Needs of Discerning Women
The Empress Club VIP is the most preferred international social introduction service for women accustomed to excellence. Introducing impressive gentlemen to discerning ladies of the world is our expertise. We specialize in introductions of:
Civil servants, education specialists, those who have 401(k)s, and gentlemen who have dental insurance. When seeking to have your needs met, our gentlemen are perfect.
Our meticulous standards of competence, sobriety, and punctuality ensure that you always encounter the quality you’ve dreamed of. With an Empress Club man, that dream can become reality. Each of our companions is a product of an exceptionally fine background. All rendezvous are individually crafted to suit the needs of your specific occasion. Note that each gentleman has place in his schedule for a select number of appointments per month, so your meeting will be a special one for both of you.
Meet Bart. [three hearts]
Fresh from a week-long lawn care seminar in Houston, the carefree Bart knows his way around a Weed Eater. He will mulch your beds, edge your driveway, and share the joy of fescue. He can program any irrigation system and will root-treat your flowering and ornamental trees.
Meet Buddy. [four hearts]
Having worked in garages from Goodlettsville to Pulaski, Buddy’s exquisite memory will ensure that your oil is changed at precisely 3,000 miles, that your tires remain at 27 psi–winter, spring, summer, and fall. He rotates tires, removes tree sap, and replaces wiper blades without compromise.
Meet Neil. [six hearts]
Quick-fingered and fast with a mouse, four-time online Scrabble champion Neil can hotwire wi-fi from any house on his street. Comfortable in either a Mac or PC environment, Neil has attended MacWorld six times and once shared an elevator with Steve Jobs’s personal assistant. Neil will back up your hard drive, scan for viruses, and uninstall outdated Microsoft programs. If requested, he will check your child’s algebra homework.
Meet Stuart. [seven hearts]
With extensive assistant-managerial experience at two major frozen food distributors, talented Stuart will feed your children exactly the way they are accustomed to dining. Nuggets of all kinds are a special interest of Stuart’s, as well as the toaster pastry and the category of frozen potato products.
If you’re a woman, and you have needs, remember: there’s only one Empress Club.